25.1.11

Interesting Wandering Wonderings

My mind moves strangely this time of year. New Characters pop by and ask to be written about, old stories stream through my mind and beg for completion... Life itself seems to flow oddly, as if time is not correctly formed.

I never know for sure if my mind is anchored in the now, floating through then, or trying to find the later. All I can say for sure is that it wonders and wanders a lot.

So much has changed in my life, especially in the last ten years. Ten years ago I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I was still learning what being a rape/sexual assault survivor meant. I was not ready to consider forgiving myself, and I sure as hell wasn't ready to forgive anyone else.

It was the beginning of the end (at least for high school) and the world was moving in a more violent direction on the whole.

The whole world was Chaos and I didn't know it yet.

Softball would have been just beginning again, and I would have been excited for another season, my final season. College was on the horizon, life was peeking in on me.

Now ten years later I'm sitting here thinking about the next bit of life that's over the horizon, how the rest of my life is peeking at me. But I'm haunted.

It's hard sometimes to remember to breathe, to put my feet on the floor and say: You are in 2011, there is no danger, there is healing, love, and warmth. It's harder to believe it when I do say it.

I had a break through recently and I'm proud of it. For the first time I was able to keep myself in the present when stimuli tried to force me back to 2000/2001. Having Logician with me was an immense help, but so was breathing.

If there is one thing I learned in my journey this last year breathing is the most important thing I can do. The past has happened, my feet are here and now. My body is here and now. My mind is here and now.

One small victory in a large battle. I savor it with joy.

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