Early Year Blues

Ah January, how you once filled me with hope of a happy year.

It never fails that the beginning of the year often leads to a moody, closed off, and depressed Branwyn. I try to avoid it, every year. I also seem to fail miserably for the better part of that time. I have resolved to continue on the growth I have been experiencing the last few years.

I will not spend January dreading February. I will not spend the remaining part of February and March dreading May. The events that turned my life upside down are over. They're in the past (distant at this point). They helped to define me as I am today but I must learn to stay in the present.

This is a number one issue for people who suffer trauma. Maintaining their life in the present instead of slipping into the past. Being a nostalgic creature to begin with, this seems to be harder for me sometimes. The more I try to let go of things in the past the more my mind slaps me around with them.

I made a lot of progress on moving forward by allowing my creativity room to explore the emotions with me. Last year I wrote a sort of "goodbye" letter from several of my former RPG characters their respective partners (each representing/played by an ex). This was immensely helpful for me because it set my characters free, thus allowing me the freedom to set those bits of myself free. They're ready for new stories and adventures now!

In November I wrote an interesting story for NaNoWriMo. It was a sort of healing via writing in such a way the story ended up a complete mix of times, references from other unwritten stories, and thoughts. It has helped me begin one of the hardest healing processes that I have faced. And I was able to let myself be open and vulnerable enough to let others read it. Mind you only Logician has read it so far, but the original story I wrote in 2008 he has not read.

Allowing someone who knows the people the characters are based on to read the story was in a way both unnerving and deeply relieving to me. It was then I realized that healing myself through creativity might just be where I need to go.

There is still a lot of processing going on inside this frail body of mine. Things were unlocked during my amazing and intense journey through massage school that I still don't know how to approach. But one step at a time, one moment at a time.

This year will not be a year of dates. It will be a year of now. 2000 and 2001 were a long time ago. 2011 is now.