Interesting Wandering Wonderings

My mind moves strangely this time of year. New Characters pop by and ask to be written about, old stories stream through my mind and beg for completion... Life itself seems to flow oddly, as if time is not correctly formed.

I never know for sure if my mind is anchored in the now, floating through then, or trying to find the later. All I can say for sure is that it wonders and wanders a lot.

So much has changed in my life, especially in the last ten years. Ten years ago I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I was still learning what being a rape/sexual assault survivor meant. I was not ready to consider forgiving myself, and I sure as hell wasn't ready to forgive anyone else.

It was the beginning of the end (at least for high school) and the world was moving in a more violent direction on the whole.

The whole world was Chaos and I didn't know it yet.

Softball would have been just beginning again, and I would have been excited for another season, my final season. College was on the horizon, life was peeking in on me.

Now ten years later I'm sitting here thinking about the next bit of life that's over the horizon, how the rest of my life is peeking at me. But I'm haunted.

It's hard sometimes to remember to breathe, to put my feet on the floor and say: You are in 2011, there is no danger, there is healing, love, and warmth. It's harder to believe it when I do say it.

I had a break through recently and I'm proud of it. For the first time I was able to keep myself in the present when stimuli tried to force me back to 2000/2001. Having Logician with me was an immense help, but so was breathing.

If there is one thing I learned in my journey this last year breathing is the most important thing I can do. The past has happened, my feet are here and now. My body is here and now. My mind is here and now.

One small victory in a large battle. I savor it with joy.

Early Year Blues

Ah January, how you once filled me with hope of a happy year.

It never fails that the beginning of the year often leads to a moody, closed off, and depressed Branwyn. I try to avoid it, every year. I also seem to fail miserably for the better part of that time. I have resolved to continue on the growth I have been experiencing the last few years.

I will not spend January dreading February. I will not spend the remaining part of February and March dreading May. The events that turned my life upside down are over. They're in the past (distant at this point). They helped to define me as I am today but I must learn to stay in the present.

This is a number one issue for people who suffer trauma. Maintaining their life in the present instead of slipping into the past. Being a nostalgic creature to begin with, this seems to be harder for me sometimes. The more I try to let go of things in the past the more my mind slaps me around with them.

I made a lot of progress on moving forward by allowing my creativity room to explore the emotions with me. Last year I wrote a sort of "goodbye" letter from several of my former RPG characters their respective partners (each representing/played by an ex). This was immensely helpful for me because it set my characters free, thus allowing me the freedom to set those bits of myself free. They're ready for new stories and adventures now!

In November I wrote an interesting story for NaNoWriMo. It was a sort of healing via writing in such a way the story ended up a complete mix of times, references from other unwritten stories, and thoughts. It has helped me begin one of the hardest healing processes that I have faced. And I was able to let myself be open and vulnerable enough to let others read it. Mind you only Logician has read it so far, but the original story I wrote in 2008 he has not read.

Allowing someone who knows the people the characters are based on to read the story was in a way both unnerving and deeply relieving to me. It was then I realized that healing myself through creativity might just be where I need to go.

There is still a lot of processing going on inside this frail body of mine. Things were unlocked during my amazing and intense journey through massage school that I still don't know how to approach. But one step at a time, one moment at a time.

This year will not be a year of dates. It will be a year of now. 2000 and 2001 were a long time ago. 2011 is now.

Editing and Random Thoughts

So editing is not starting off so well this week. I am feeling a bit tired today, likely because it is raining! I also have been getting the itch to write fanfiction again. Fanfiction that will never ever make it into the public. There's nothing popular these days with 90s kid show fanfiction!

Silly brain!

I have also been considering the large amount of clutter in my life. My vehicle is a mess (mostly items that aren't being used anymore, not trash), I have far too many clothes, and far too much stuff! I need to attack the mess but it's overwhelming.

These seems to be a common theme for other areas of my life as well. Such as trying to lose weight. Every time I consider it I start to think about how hard it is to eat healthy. How expensive it is to buy quality food (why is this? It makes no freaking sense to me that GOOD food is expensive) when it's so much cheaper (and sadly for me budget friendly) to buy crap.

So I am going to take some time today to create a daily schedule for myself. I have everything I need to accomplish my decluttering and weight loss goals. I just need to get myself in gear!

Story progression: Origin and Editing (A long post)

My schedule has shifted a bit in this last week and I got to spend the majority of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday editing my NaNoWriMo 2009 story. It's an enjoyable process that I have to admit is helped by seeing the progression of my story.

The story is currently titled: Lines of Eterminty: French Charades it was originally thought up in 2002, and was my NaNoWriMo 52k word story in 2009.

In 2002 I was living in Northern California and on the verge of some life altering events. One night I had a dream about a young woman wearing a noble's dress while wielding a sword. There was a short conversation that was mostly in French and my main female character (MFC), Arien, was born. 

The next three days saw me locked inside my room scribbling furiously as I committed her (then tiny) story to paper. It was one of the most horrible things I have ever written and an example of my writing style in those years. Lots of dialogue with no real back drop. 

Originally my main Male Character (MMC) was based off men I knew in real life. Two of them specifically but they were an awful lot alike. At the time his name was Kai. I knew that the original story wasn't long enough and wasn't the whole story so in 2003 I set out to rewrite it by hand. 

I purchased a lovely hard bound blank journal from the bookstore and set about neatly writing the story in pencil. Thirty three pages in I lost the story. It ran from me as if I had abused it. I put it down and walked away from it, though at the back of my mind Arien was begging me to complete her tale. 

My life changed years passed and in 2006 I moved to a four year university. I picked up the story again and started trying to write it on the computer. Something was wrong, the story would not move beyond the introduction of the MMC. 

Frustrated and sinking into an insane college life I put the story down again. Then I met Mike (MC Etcher). He was talking some sort of nonsense about an insane writing challenge called NaNoWriMo. I'd heard it whispered before when I used to spend countless hours on LiveJournal but had never known anyone insane enough to attempt this in real life.

With Mike and two other people talking NaNoWriMo in my ear I decided to join the challenge and on November 1st, 2008 I opened a blank Word Document and prepared to put Arien's life on paper.

It didn't happen. Instead of her story another flowed, one that was largely for healing. I wrote and wrote and though that story is unfinished, unedited, and lingering in a digital sanctuary it is complete. Arien was not pleased and demanded to know when her story would be completed!

Let me pause a moment to mention to you that if you have never written you do not understand. Stories are not created, they show up in your head and bang on the furniture until you allow them to move through you. They live inside your head waiting for opportune moments to interrupt, such as during exams. So I usually have a cacophony of voices running amok demanding me to write their stories. It's only when one of them rises above the normal din of conversation that I can actually sit and write.

I attempted to put pen to paper (as it were) over the course of 2009 and failed miserably. I knew that NaNoWriMo would be my time to shine. I wrote out information about the characters, reread the three incomplete drafts, and plotted till my eyes were sore. I was sure I would come to the end of this journey.

When I opened my Word document on November 1st, 2009 my story was still wrong. I didn't know it then but would find out when after writing for several hours I reached the introduction of my MMC, aka Kai. As I typed the name Kai on the page it was as if someone had politely knocked on the door.

"Excuse me," He said softly, "That is NOT my name." 

I was stunned and pondered this revelation for nearly an hour. Not his name? His name had always been Kai. For seven...... Then it hit me. My story was stagnated because my MMC was incorrectly cast! Kai was not the man intended for this story. 

"So then what is it?" I asked eagerly, fingers poised over the keys.

"I am Victor." And so he was.

******************************************* (To rest your eyes and give you a stopping point!)

I think I was done two weeks early. The ending was different, characters were related that hadn't even spoken before. There were plot twists and intrigues. This story ACTUALLY had potential. I am still astonished by the fact that I believe that.

Until NaNoWriMo 2009 I wrote stories for myself or for one specific person. Usually fanfiction these stories were for fun. I wanted to write professionally, but it was a dream for other lives.

Then I found out that NaNoWriMo had partnered with CreateSpace and the winners of NaNo 2009 got a free proof copy of their book.

That's right a free, paperback, you design the cover, you write the synopsis, your name across the binding book.

It's one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I squealed with joy when I opened the cardboard that came in the post. It still makes me warm and fuzzy when I look at it. 

It's real.

And - it sucks.

I know what you're thinking, I just said it had potential and now I'm saying it sucks. And you're right. I am crazy, mad as a hatter but it still sucks.

And I still love it.

So I decided that in 2011 I was going to edit it (my NaNo 2010 story and I are still not talking), but this would mean writing all over my beautiful.... Oh right - through the course of 2010 a few people had read my proof copy, and I had read and reread it several times. It was bent, it was no longer perfect, it was ripe for scribbling all over.

So I cheated. I used my NaNo 2010 CreateSpace code to order a second proof copy of my NaNo 2009. It's in the mail and I should get it in two weeks. 

So I selected three highlighters (yellow, orange, and green), got my favorite pencils, and my favorite pen. Collected together a blank spiral notebook, my laptop, and my proof copy. Then I went nuts.

And that's just two pages. I'm only twenty or so pages in but most of them look like those. Whole scenes begging to be rewritten or moved. Two lines of narration concealed an entire scene of dialogue. Characters who were marginal before actually have names and personalities. 

There's life in this damn thing and I'm going to find it! 

2011 Goals and Hopes

In June I will have been out of high school for ten years. The world is so different now than it was while I was in those halls. My trip out of the "Matrix" began with my rape in 2000 and 2001 was a rough year for me. My brain sort of came apart, I struggled to complete my coursework to graduate on time, I lost all hope of a four year college education, and once I enrolled in community college I watched the world shatter for everyone around me. 

This September will mark the tenth year since the Twin Towers fell. I can recall that day minute by minute. It shattered many lives and I am still in some ways trying to process it and wrap it into my experience. 

I look back on the last decade I have come through and wonder about all the various changes that have happened. We have been at war the entire time, fighting some evil or another. Many people of my own age group have died defending this country and our ideals. 

I got a four year education and promptly discovered that while Archaeology and Languages are passions they are not what I want to do for a living; fought of a young life/quarter life crisis; and ended up at the Florida School of Massage in January of 2010 seeking to find a new me. 

I went through several relationships including the one I thought would always be around and in the end I am better for it. It was a hell of a trip though as anyone who was around for any part of them can tell you. I've learned a lot of lessons in the last ten years, and in the last year I received a boat load of clarity.

Yet I also have extremely muddy water to wade through at the moment. There are still many hills and mountains to climb before I can make my dreams a reality, and this year I've decided to follow Molly along and have goals instead of resolutions.

2011 Goals:

1) Complete 1st (and if possible 2nd) draft of 2009's NaNoWriMo Novel

2) Complete Aromatherapist Certification

3) Submit my application (and if possible enroll) at UF for Post-Bacc work in Psychology

4) Get out of DEBT (minus school loans)

5) Appreciate everything in my life more, especially the people

6) Get weight down to 180, or at least between 180 and 200

7) Get healthier: eating, drink more water, exercise

8) Get in shape enough to be able to run 2-5 miles each day without pain

9) Have enough income to actually take a vacation in 2012

10) Begin saving for the bigger goals Logician and I have for our living arrangements.

That's some of them, there are more and I'm sure I will come up with more as we move ahead. What about you all, do you have any goals for the new year?